Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Doing, not writing . . .

So, it's been a while. Once again, being an adult with a full time job, a summer part time job (both with life absorbing hours) as well as some semblence of a family life to juggle into the mix has kept me from doing more regular updates. Moving into a new apartment with no internet also doesn't help. But that is a moot point.

I'll jump right in here though; I think my dancing is in a rut. I've been attending classes regularly (missed the last 2 due to a camping trip) and practicing where I can. I got all Silver and Golds at my last feis - but don't get too excited, there were only 2 of us dancing. I can do most of my steps all the way through, with minimal or only occasional mess ups. This all sounds great. But I feel like I am not doing as well as I should be, at least not if I want to get to the level I want to be. If any of that makes any sense or is even remotely grammatically correct.

I feel like I've got sooo much going against me here. I've packed on a few extra pounds the last few weeks, which is going to make launching myself into those leaps even harder. I have NO time to practice, nor a good place to try. There is definitly MORE space in the new flat, but I'm still second floor, and don't want to anger my downstairs neighbors.And the once place that I would have easy-ish acsess too that would make a decent practice space isn't there any more. And work is always making me SO tired. I don't get days off this time of year, so that any spare moment I have, I want to sit and watch a movie with the Darling Boy, or maybe go hang out with friends. And even if I was practicing and getting my technique where it needed to be - I can't feis again until November. So that means no chance of actually getting a deserved medal, no judges comments, no more stage exposure to kill the last of the competition-frights.

This isn't burn out I am feeling - it's stagnation. I have the urge, the desire, the chutzpa, and whatever other things are missing during a season of burn out. I just am stuck and am currentlys seeing no way to become unstuck. Getting into a Solo dress seems soooo far away right now. This is totally one of those times I can't help but feel this would have been so much easier in my teens. I had no social life, no job, and after school hours were completly empty, waiting to be filled.

My school recently did a performance at my old High School (or rather the Church that sponsers/houses my old High School), and I think I am a little resentful and a little mad at myself for not being at the level needed for that show. I wanted to take all the achieved potential and show it off to the place where I had such stiffled potential. But I hadn't actually achieved it.

It's little things getting to me too. My ghillies don't fit me well enough, so my point always looks off. My hardshoes, despite having had them the better part of ten years STILL aren't broken in. My water bottle developed a leak and haven't gotten around to getting a new one. All my practice clothes are getting too snug for me (re; packing on a few pounds, as mentioned earlier)

So here I stand, heel to toe, waiting for the count in to get me the heck out of this funk . . . .