Monday, April 9, 2012

Grant me the serenity . . .

So I had a sickening 'realization' last night.

A solo dress that I had fallen in love with went back up for sale again on A solo dress that should actually fit me and isn't disgustingly overpriced. And then it hit me. I haven't danced since December. I wasn't making any leaps and bounds to moving up in levels even before then. The need for a solo dress has never been so far away. And then I had this sickening feeling that I might never dance again.

I knew when I took this job, that despite all the talk of dance schools in the area, that there was a good chance that I wasn't going to be home enough to even bother trying to start classes once we moved. I tried to be positive about it, but that fear was always there. But still, I moved and took the job, cause well - it's a good job, in this economy that everyone is always complaining about, and because it did really seem like the right move for Himself and I. And last night, I went to bed with the knot in my stomach, that this might really be it - time to give up the childhood dream, and accept that I won't get to finish this out. Work and adult life is getting to be too much

But I still wept when a dance school paraded past at an event I was working at. I still find myself practicing my Treble Jig in the elevator, or in the grocery store, in really anywhere that I find a bit of floorspace. I still find myself cruising for any deals on a pair of dance sneakers to practice in, even though I haven't practiced in three months. I still haunt my old school's facebook page, soaking in every status update and picture, wishing I was still a part of it all.

So, it's decision time. Is this one of those things I can't change that I need to accept, or do I need the courage to keep pushing? Will I be able to live with myself if I let go, and just let Irish Dance be something I love from afar, but not be part of my life?