Sunday, November 13, 2011

Not so much a bang, More of a whimper

Never. Will I. Ever. Overestimate my ability to read a stage schedule. EVER AGAIN.

I had good hopes for this one. I was aiming for bronze. Sure, I wanted golds, but I would have been happy with bronze.

I keep telling myself that it just wasn't supposed to be. That there was a reason I didn't get there in time to dance. Maybe I would have broken a leg, or accidentally kicked some girl in the teeth (well, maybe not the teeth, I think that is overstating my kicking abilities)

It seemed reasonable. The Feis started at nine. There were about ten dances before my first one. Most of them had around 15 dancers in it and the Syllabus said dancers were dancing 2 at a time. So I figured being there right at nine would just be an exercise in hurry up and wait. Rush to get out of the door at dawn. Wait in rush hour traffic. Rush to get parking and get my number and get a spot to camp out with my stuff (we dancers couldn't LIVE if we didn't have piles of stuff). Wait until it's my turn to dance. I thought I was being smart. Get some extra sleep so I feel top notch, leave a little later, and get there right in time for my first dance.

I'll leave being smart to the Ravenclaws from now on. I'm clearly not as good at it as I'd like to be. Needless to say, I was a little irritated, while looking down the stage list and I saw I missed my reel. That was my sure bet. A little cheesed about slip jig, but that second step I still didn't have entirely smoothed out, so no biggie. Treble Jig and Hornpipe are both crossed out too? Well, at least I won't embarrass myself up there with a bunch of nimble fifteen year olds. . . .

This was supposed to be the high note I went out on, before my exit to the mid-west. This was the feis that I wanted to do my school proud in. The one that would live on, once I'm long gone, of the Adult who went to a feis, competed against kids half her age and wiped the floor with them. Granted even if I had gotten there in time, I still wasn't going to be THAT good, but I could have taken pride in the fact that I went and I represented.

As it was, I felt even more disconnected wandering around that crowded feis then I usually do. Every one there knows what they are doing, and I am wandering around, lost, doing my best impersonation of someone who belongs there, but all the while not having a clue. I just felt like the awkward, fat adult dancer that's never really going to get it right.

That feeling will pass. I will get the determination and the drive back. I will stop beating myself up over this at some point . . . maybe by about Wednesday. But, for tonight at least, I am going to drown my low self confidence in peach ice cream and sweet, milky tea.

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