You are too old for this class

Well, I finally got it.

The thought that has been bouncing around inside the munkins' heads for weeks now.

"Aren't you too old for this class."

Maybe it sleep exhaustion, but I've never wanted to commit an act of violence against an 8 year old ever before in my life. I managed to contain myself, but I am sure my response of "I'm not to old!" was said a little more petulantly and childishly then I would normally of cared for. The kid quickly back-peddled and tried saying that she meant that I was too tall. I am 5'4". Admittedly, while that makes me much taller then all of my class mates, I hardly think it has anything to do with me twisting my ankle, which is what started this conversation.

A minute late, she asked me if I was 16. The look on her face when I told her I was 26 was something like this:

 

Sadly, this girl is so young, she wouldn't get the reference. The year she was born, that film was already 15 years old. 

But it really did make me question - again - for a minute if I am too old for this. My ankles twist, my knees ache. I work 45 hours a week and have to be responsible for bills, meals and cleaning. 

But ironically enough, not 30 minutes before this interlude with this kid, I was talking to one of the waiting Mom's  about my dancing, while I was changing my shoes. (Please note, this was the first time one of the parents has actually TALKED directly to me, so that was a bit thrilling.) The conversation was something like this:

Her: *Upon seeing me stumbling out a downing almost an entire bottle of water* "Quite a good work out, huh?"

Me: *still panting for breath* Yeah, sometime I envy the kids. They can go for hours without even breaking a sweat.

Her: How long have you been dancing?

Me: *with a shame-faced grimace* Ten years, off and on. But because it's been off and on, I've never gotten very far. I tried starting while I was in high school, but couldn't keep going to class. So I started after I graduated, but with work and bills and stuff I haven't always been able to keep up. You know, all that annoying adult stuff.

Her: I know what you mean, a few years back I tried taking an adult class and just couldn't manage it. Well, you seem very dedicated now.

Me: Yeah, I figure, why the heck not. It was something I always wanted to do as a kid and couldn't. I don't have any kids yet, so the only schedule I have to worry about it my own. So I am just going to go for it.
Her: Good for you!

And that's that. Good for me! Good for any "Adult Dancer". Good for any person who fights for their dreams.

I am choosing to dwell on that conversation from class this week, rather then the talk with the kid. What I keep telling myself it this "Kids just don't know" and honestly, if their parents are doing their job, kids shouldn't know, at least, not at that age.

Kids don't know that childhood flies by faster then you can ever begin to imagine and the someday, they might too be in their twenties, wondering why they weren't able to do all the things they wanted to as kids. But being an adult doesn't mean you need to give up on those dreams.

Kids just don't know that life doesn't end at 18 - that really it just begins. Yes there are alot of responsibilities, but all that self-governance teenagers rage for can be just as fun as they imagine, and the responsibilities are like salt - on their own, they are terrible, but the make the tasty things of life more flavorful.

Kids just don't know that life existed before them. It never really crosses their mind that when you were their age, and first falling passionately in love with Irish Dance, they were -9 years old. They don't understand that you've been obsessed with this art form for longer then they've been alive, and your age and their age have nothing to do with it.

Kids just don't understand that, historically speaking, when the Dance Masters were traveling through Ireland, teaching the ancestor versions of these steps, he wasn't teaching it to the 8 year olds. He was teaching it to the teens and young adults.

Kid's don't realize the only difference between me and them is seventeen years and about a hundred pounds. And if they do, they don't realized that the challenges age and size present can be worn as badges of honor, rather then stared at as insurmountable obstacles. I am proud of the fact that despite any physical limitations, I can leap in the air as high as the small, less gravity bound children.

So, let the kids call me too old. Let them think that I have one foot in the grave and another in an untapped hardshoe on a slippery stage. Let them look at me askance and question why I am in "their" class. And bless them for their small, child-like perspective. I have been an outside observer of the Irish Dance world since 1996, and I refuse to be on the outside looking in any more. I am an adult. I am the master of my own world. And I choose this!

And now, I am going to go drill, because I have 2 feiseanna in a week's time, and I STILL don't know my second slip jig or treble jig step. I will leave you all with this thought, that will really show how old we really are . . .

Updates from today

Updates:

Class was good. Hornpipe remains solid. Reel is still good, when I remember what I am doing. Worked some more on the slip jig, but it continues to elude me. Treble Jig wasn't even touched so I don't want to think how rusty THAT is. On the social end, one little munchkin seemed more then a touch critical because I still do the "easy" light jig steps and the one little boy asked me for help tying his reel shoes. I was just glad they are starting to talk to me.

After class was better. Got a chance to catch up with TC, re: my upcoming competitions. She doesn't have any preference on what new hard shoes I get, as long as they help, rather then impede my dancing.As far as dresses go - there aren't any school rentals that would even remotely fit on me, so she gave me the go-ahead to just sew up something on my own. Kind of excited about that. I think she recommended black, but since she would rather see me in tights over poodle socks, I am going to see if she minds if I make it in school colours.  Got it sketched up and everything. YEAH! Can't wait.

Decided to play with my wig tonight, trying to figure out how to make it look better. I've been looking at old pictures and it clearly looks like it was put on by a beginer - well, cause it was. I've suspected for a while that it was because I've been putting it to far forward on my head. The problem with trying to fix that is that the length of my hair makes creating an anchor spot difficult. It either is too far forward or to far back. So tonight I experimented with pulling the hair back into the "too far" position, making sure it's tight, and then putting bobby pins in a nice middle spot, and then hooked the wig's comb into the bobby pins. I also made sure to keep some of my bangs out, and kept them pinned to the side, in kind of an Irish Dance emo-swoop kind of way, so I'm not all forehead and then *POOF* EXPLOSION OF CURLS!

This . .. .

Was the end result. Still needs a bit more work, mainly just to make sure it won't go flying off the top of my head whilst in motion. But yeah, I think it is looking better. It has also inspired my newest "Adult Irish Dance win". . .

Cause sometimes, I feel like it looks like these little girl's necks are going to buckle under the weight of the hair. And it's the same wig that looks reasonable on a teen/adult dancer, but put it on a  10 year old, and they might as well be a bobble head. If a child tried wearing my wig, even though it's shorter, and not terribly full, I am not even sure how it would stay on her head. And sometimes, after wearing it a while, even I begin to feel like my head is being consumed by a small, ravenous animal that has been cunningly strapped to my head with combs and bobby pins.


So anyway, projects for this week include trying to score some fabric, trim some of the frizzies off my scalp-poodle, drill on my turn out and keeping on my toes and in general, not panicing about the double header of doom feis weekend being a little less then 2 months away, and attempting to be proactive instead.

Until next time,

~Meara

Adult Irish Dance Wins

So . . . In the vein of my last blog, I have finally made the first entry on my list of "Adult Irish Dance Wins", which is my way at looking at all the reasons being an adult dancer is fan-dam-tastic, rather then focusing on all the aches, pains, money invested, time spent, injuries accumulated. We may wear our knee braces and super-whamadine sports bras as badges of honour, but lets focus on the awesome stuff.

So here it is, Number one:

Positively Me

So, I am by nature, a not optimistic person. It's not so much that the glass is half empty, but that it could certainly be a bit more full, couldn't it? By nature, I feel the weight of burdens an stress, in an almost physical way. They often get the better of me, and it all I can see. After lots of recent heart-to-hearts with the Significant Other, I've been making more of a concerted effort to try and be more positive.

But reading over this blog, I see how this negativity has been holding true in my dance as well. I feel so heavy with all the problems - money, fitness, ability, lack of friends - that I have a hard time focusing on the good. So, it's time to make some changes. I don't think that having an Annie-esque attitude will magically make me a better dancer, but hey, it sure as hell can't hurt, right?

So here we go, I am going to list all my concerns in a brief statement, and then I am going to counter them with the postitives:

1. Dance is expensive and I am poor.
     Dance is cheaper then Gym memberships and Anti-depressants. I have a good job, and am able to pay all my bills and still am able to afford Dance. Yes, I have to budget carefully, and I can't just buy new shoes/wigs/etc on whim, but that makes me appreciate them all the more when I get them

2. I am over-weight and out of shape, making it really hard to push my dancing to the next level.
    Dance gives me a reason to eat healthier and get fit that is easier to stick with then dieting just for vanity's sake.

3. I will probably never be good enough to get to Worlds.
    I may never be, but if there is a Championship medal for determination, by God, I will get it. It has been ten years of taking class off and on to get to where I am, and even if it takes ten more, I WILL get there. I WILL get medals at a feis, I WILL get that solo dress, I will get to regionals, nationals, worlds - even if I don't win at them, I will at least GET THERE.

4. I haven't made any friends in my new region
     I am dancing for me. I may have no one to hang out with at Competitions. I may dance with 6 year olds. But I am not dancing for friends, nor am I dancing for social acceptance. I am dancing for me. If friends come along, great. If they don't, oh well. I am used to being the social odd-duck, so being the weird adult dancer in &Overs, hanging out with nobody is no skin off my nose. I am fan-damn-tastic, and I don't need to worry about friends - they will be there sooner or later.

So, there it is.

I have to say, I feel that the general attitude of/about Adult Dancers tends towards the less then positive. I mean, as funny and true as the "You might be an Adult Irish Dancer if" list is, it all about having to carry a pharmacy in your dance bag, and athletic tape by the case load, scheduling dance around work and kid's schedules, explaining your dance age, etc.

In response to this, and with my new Sunny-outlook mentality, I am going to start something new. It's called the "Why Adult Irish Dancer's Are Lucky" . . . or maybe "Benefits of being an Adult Irish Dancer" . . ."Adult Irish Dancer Win" ..  . . alright, I don't know what it will be called, but it will be AWESOME.

Stay tuned,

Observation from the other side of the Feis Stage

So, because I missed so much class over the last year, what with my move, my traveling for work and a month or two of depression kicking my butt, there was no way I was in fighting condition to even think about entering the Feis that my school helps organize. Also, I was waaay late to sign up. The 800 cap was hit before I even thought about registering.

In consideration of this, I did the next best thing - I volunteered and was assigned a stage monitor position. I may not be the most experienced feis goer, but being on the other side of the stage gave me a completely different perspective. So in no particular order, her are my observations.

1. Feis Moms - when observed close up, they aren't THAT much different then regular Dance moms, in regards to their dedication to their dancers, they just tend to be less mean. They don't yell, but they also certainly don't give up

2. Irish Dance, not just for the Irish? You can see alot of different ethnic backgrounds, specifically surprising number of Asians dancing these days. So either the Celtic peoples have a thing for Eastern spouses, lots of Irish extract families adopting over seas, or maybe they are just embracing the idea of Zen and the art of Irish dance, but either way, it's nice to see lots of variety. For something that is so clearly entrenched in a singular cultural setting, it's awesome to see that it still holds a universal appeal.  I mean, if Irish dance was just for the Irish, my Polish-German ass would be thrown out before I could say 'polka'.

3. It's not the little ones with the short attention spans you have to watch out for.First timers, and early grade dancers are have such gravitas about the feis thing, and are so concerned about missing their dances, they will usually crawl up you butt to check in four dances early.  It's the older, higher level dancers that your shouting out for in hallways and sending girls running across the venue to find.

4. No matter how helpful and warm the Irish Dance community can be, you will not make friends at a Feis, if you are new to the scene. There are too many people, all very busy, very rushed and usually pretty stressed, that they are too preoccupied to make bonds - that is what class is for. But today proved that a Feis can still be fun, even if you don't know anyone.

5. Almost twenty years later, and people are still calling it "Riverdancing" . . . maybe we should just give up the fight and get an offical name change. It would be like calling tissues "Kleenex", or all colas being "Coke" . . .  nah . . . .

6. To everyone insisting that skirts AREN'T getting shorter, I call shenanigans! All the new style puffball, soft, tutu and cupcake style skirts on the older teenage dancers are down right scandalous at times!  Thank god for kickpants/spankies/briefs, etc, or the amount of cheek I would be seeing would have been obscene. Mid-thigh my (or rather THEIR) tukas!! The shorter skirts really don't accentuate the dancing, in my humble opinion, they distract. I get kids grow fast, but by 16, they aren't growing too much anymore, so get a skirt the right length people.

7. Butt-bows. . . over the age of 12 and they just look silly. Sorry. It's just the way it is. I am willing to give that I am starting to like a lot more modern styles of dresses then I used to, but Butt-bows will never make any sense to me. You are neither a toddler, a puppy nor a present, so a bow just doesn't seem like it belongs.

8. Even if you aren't dancing, 2.5 hours of sleep is not enough to get through the day.

9. Adult dancers are the most fun. Less easily distracted then the toddlers, are excited to be there, are at their stages on time, and always seem to enjoy themselves so much more then anyone else. While, (when I actually compete) I have been in the &Overs, I have to say, being with other adult dancers is an awesome boost of energy. (And they understand the aches, pains, and other conundrums of being an adult with this hobby)

10. I may have missed being part of this world growing up, and might always feel slightly out of place in it, but I will be damned if I give it up. I clearly love it too much. I deprived myself of sleep and food on my day off, just to be there to be a part of it, even if I couldn't dance.

Now, after a nap and a feast of fast food, I am going to relax on my couch and take a break from Irish with some Bollywood. I am nothing if not multi-cultural. . . .

Cheers all,

~Meara

Irish Dance and Money

Here we go again everyone.

I seem incapable of holding a job for any extended amount of time. Luckily, I am *finally* employed again, but I'm 2 months behind on class fees, haven't been to class since October, and will most likelly not be able to go to the feis that I've being eyeing up for the new year, cause registration opened last week, and it is already almost filled, and it will be another three weeks or so until I have bounced back from the financial drought. Yet another thing that sucks being an adult I guess. I mean, I know it sucks as a kid when you can't dance cause your parents can't afford it (been there, done that) but as an adult it sucks a fair bit more. You have money in your hands, but you know it needs to be spent a million other ways. At least as a kid, you just have absolutely no control over the situation and can at least be a little petulant about it.

The feis thing is really bothering me today. I was so looking forward to this one. It is LITERALLY a half hour away from my front door! I mean, none of this waking up at the crack of dawn and driving 2 hours crap. And I was feeling pretty confident in my new steps, up until this new hiatus, after a year of starts and stops. My TC must think I am a nut case.

This may sound silly, but has anyone ever thought of setting up an Irish Dance "Scholarship"? Obviously, I am not looking for myself, but I'm just reminded how many tears I shed growing up because I wanted to dance soooo badly, but my parents could barely afford to feed me, none the less indulge my passion for an expensive hobby. Maybe once I am filthy rich I will start one. Or maybe, just once I am solidly employeed again, I will start one. I can't see it being too hard. Start a paypal/bank/whatever kind of account for any monetary donations that would go towards tuition and feis fees. Maybe give money to kids nominated by classmates or friends, etc. Maybe after a while, also have an items donation section. Any used shoes, dresses, etc, that are no longer needed. Instead of selling, donate! Of course, I don't see many being willing to part with their kids $2000 Gavin that was only worn twice before they out grew it, but maybe that first solo from a few years back that they haven't been able to sell yet. . . . I have seen, witnessed and felt so much good will amongst the ID community that I can't help but feel that something like this could catch on. I think I have heard of similar stuff on school level, etc, at least for like shoes and such but I think it would be really neat if it was a universal kind of thing.

Anyway . . . . one more dance related dream that I never seem able to pull off . . . .I will just add it to the list.

I've been trying to practice and work out while I am still out, so that I am not knocked back onto my ass, once I am back at class, but who am I trying to kid? I have a hard time drilling myself even when I am in class. I was looking through youtube vids and pics from all the different region's Oireachtas and I saw a girl, not sure what reigion, who was maybe in the U16 crowd (? I am terrible at guessing age since the wigs and make-up tend to age kids) who was SOOO high on her toes, I seriously questioned for a second if I should just quit now while I remain mostly uninjured! I love the competitive nature of Irish, and the constant changing, but I don't remember dancers being that tippy-toed ten years ago. I, no matter how hard I work, will NEVER be able to go that high on my toes. My feet just aren't built for it. And If I try, the money invested will skyrocket even more, cause of the intense medical bills that I will have to pay for - maybe my Irish Dance charities should also include a medical donation! So anyway, with this nauseatingly beautiful photo of a girl who is so remarkably talented, I can't help but wonder if it's worth it. And then, I smack myself and say, "yes, yes it is" cause it makes me so DAMNED happy. Better then a gym, better then a therapist, better then, dare I say it? Cheesecake???

O_o

Guess that is it for now, everyone, anyone who still may be listening.

Slainte!
~Meara


PS;
I am going to try and do the whole goal thing, in preperation of the New Years resolutions, that I always forget to make

Goal for the week; Drink more water. At least 1 glass a day (hey, cut me some slack, I need to start small! I HATE drinking water)

Dancing with Depression

Dancing is hard. It takes determination, strength, courage and a slew of other bold and cliche epitaphs. Dancing with depression is even harder.

The world in general seems to have a lot of misconceptions about depression. No, having depression, or any other chemical imbalance does not necessarily mean you lie in a dark room all day thinking about suicide - that's just being emo. And, no, it's not just all in the person's head. It's also in their knees, back, shoulders, stomach. Most people don't realize that one of the most common symptoms of depression is a sustained amount of aches and pains that exhibit for no real reason. So, right there, suddenly, dancing becomes a little harder.

We've all seen the commercials for all the drugs on the TV, listing "loss of interest in things" as another symptom, and this is mostly true. But loss of interest does not mean one morning you are going to wake up saying "OHMIGOD! I HAAATE Irish Dance and I NEVER WANT TO DO IT AGAIN". If you do that, you are either bi-polar or just a cranky, spoiled child who is mad that they didn't place. Loss of interest, for most run of the mill depression victims is far more simple. "Oh, I just don't feel up to going to class tonight." or "I don't feel well enough to go" (even though your only symptoms are those generic, mysterious aches and pains)

Most depression cases can also exhibit mainly with anxiety, not just irritability or moodiness. I know in my case, which is a minor case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, when my symptoms act up, I loose all ability to deal with stress, make hard decisions or in general function with day to day problems. So, y'know, that makes competitions not so easy.

There are more physical symptoms too, that really can impede or interfere with dreams of a dance career, if they aren't managed just right. Regular depression symptoms often include loss of appetite, or in some other conditions, increased appetite and weight gain can occur, and we all know, we need to eat well to dance well. Loss of sleep, lack of energy and ability to concentrate also hit dancers hard.

BUT . . .

Dancing with depression can also be one of the best things you can ever do.

Like I mentioned, I've been fighting a chronic case of SAD for about the past 7 years. With SAD, I go through good months and bad months, but sometimes even that can be difficult. However, SAD is far less severe then text-book depression can be, and can usually be dealt with without medication, and one of the BEST, non-medication treatments for any kinds of depression is EXERCISE.

It's hard, any given night, to pull my drowsy, overweight behind off the couch where I want to nap and force myself to go to class, but as soon as I do, and I start dancing and sweating and moving, I feel my body's chemistry just shift. Everyone knows that exercise releases endorphins, but few people realize that the good that does for people with these conditions. The social interaction also helps.

So, all this to say, that while depression certainly adds to the list of difficulties one can face being an Irish Dancer, specifically an adult dancer, you need to persevere. Never give up on something you love because your body is playing tricks on you. I don't know if I am the only one out there dealing with this - I can't think that I am, all I can say is 'Hang in there'. Eat healthy, get plenty of vitamin D, DANCE! Dance all the time, constantly keep moving. But, also, don't be afraid to talk about it. Don't think that you can't bring it up with friends, family and doctors. Don't let it win - don't let it take over your life, and what's more, don't let it stop you from dancing!

~M